Comedian Jon Stewart lampoons Bush, Ezra, Macs and masturbation

By Susan S. Lang

When comedian and social critic Jon Stewart came to Cornell March 4, he opened his show with a word to all those who camped out (some reportedly for up to 38 hours) to get tickets. "I've seen my show and it was a huge f------ mistake," he said, and he ended with a tale of woe regarding his dog's extreme gastrointestinal distress.

Jon Stewart makes an observation during his first performance in Barton Hall March 4. The comedian and "The Daily Show" host added a second show after the first show sold out shortly after tickets became available. Robert Barker/University Photography

With that kind of flavor, Stewart, the Emmy Award-winning anchor of Comedy Central's "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" since 1999, poked fun with wit, irreverence and plenty of expletives. He commented on U.S. and Middle East politics, the Republicans' fear of gay marriage, Canada ("What do we think of Canada ... we don't"), the random rules and "bizarre wardrobe idiosyncrasies" of religion (in a fashion sense, the Pope's just "a hat choice away from being the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan"), race relations, men's addiction to masturbation, the Y2K scare, Mac computers, the false promises of the Internet, TV ads and even Ezra Cornell's founding slogan, with a biting sarcasm that had the Barton Hall crowd of 5,000 roaring through two shows.

Calling the audience "my poor sweet little blue-staters ... you godless sodomites," Stewart quickly turned to the recent election, noting: "George W. Bush is not stupid. He invaded Iraq. They didn't have weapons of mass destruction or ties to Al Qaeda ... but Iran does. So he was only one letter off and that should be credited," said Stewart, whose textbook spoof, America, has been on The New York Times bestseller list for 22 weeks.

Moving on to the Democrats, he commented on Sen. Joseph Lieberman and his droopy face. "I am a Jew and I wouldn't vote for Lieberman," said Stewart, who was born Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz in 1962 and grew up near Trenton, N.J. "Jews don't need a Jewish president; we're already blamed for enough s---," he said.

And what are the Republicans and the military afraid of when it comes to gays? Maybe, Stewart offered, the Army's afraid that if they order a gay man to shoot, "he'll say, 'I can't, he's too adorable.'"

Stewart, dressed in a very worn T-shirt from a luxury resort in the Virgin Islands and khaki pants, pondered, sarcastically of course, how right wingers think that posting the Ten Commandments in schools would reduce school violence. "You want to stop school violence. Do something real for these kids. Teach high school kids that high school isn't forever, that it all changes, that life changes as you get older." Instead, don't take them to planetariums or museums, but to 20-year high school reunions. Point out the bald fat guy who was the captain of the football team. "Only place he's called captain now is at John Silver's."

In mulling over race relations, Stewart noted that "Jews and blacks fighting each other is so f------ stupid ... Jews and blacks come from the same history. Two thousand years of persecution ... blacks developed the blues. Jews complain, they just never thought of putting it to music. ... My grandmother wrote a blues song once, 'Gee, It's Drafty in Here.'"

Noting the bare stage, Stewart thanked Cornell for going all out for his visit; he sauntered over to the Cornell flag and soberly read Ezra's slogan: "'I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study' -- now I know why they usually put this s--- in Latin." (Stewart graduated from William and Mary College in Virginia with a B.A. in psychology in 1984). He knocked anti-drug ads and TV scare promos: "What you don't know about your washing machine could kill your children," "Tune in at 9 to find out what you don't know about washing machines that could kill your children." When the nervous viewer finally tunes in to get the lowdown, they find out: "Don't put your children in the machine."

Stewart imitated the siren of the emergency broadcast system, the wailing of his cat in heat and the slurping sounds his dog makes in consuming his various messes after eating the garbage. "For a moment, you're relieved. 'Honey, I guess we don't have to get out of bed,'" said Stewart. "The first two hours were hilarious. But after a while I realized my dog has no short-term memory ... This is literally what's going on: [upchuck sound effect] 'I am so sick.' 'Oh my god, food!'"

And on that note, Stewart ended his show. The crowd loved it.