County Task Force for Battered Women serves the community

CU's United Way Campaign has raised a total of $100,109.60 to date.

The Task Force for Battered Women is one of more than 100 local programs that receive funding from United Way of Tompkins County.

By Latarsha Williams

Marilyn Migiel slept with her keys under her pillow. Each night, her suitcase was packed and in the trunk of her car. "Words cannot express how terrifying it was to be with an abusive man and not know what to do," Migiel said during a recent interview.

Then, she did it. Migiel, an associate professor of Romance Languages in the College of Arts and Sciences, sought the resources she needed to overcome the abuse: her sister, her lawyer, Cornell's Employee Assistance Program and the Tompkins County Task Force Battered Women.

Migiel realizes how fortunate she was to have access to so many resources. "It would have been worse if I didn't have the education and the finances," she said. "The fight would have been a lot harder."

For three years, Migiel was caught in a cycle of domestic violence. "For me, the abusive incidents happened every three weeks." First there is rising tension. "He would come home and complain because I hadn't made dinner the way he liked it or because someone called me at a time when I wasn't 'supposed' to be on the phone," Migiel explained.

The next stage is the explosive incident. "I was never slapped, or kicked, or chased with a violent weapon, as many abused women are. But there was a lot of pushing and he even attempted to choke me."

Migiel adds that, on a later occasion, her abuser said: "If I really wanted to choke you, I would have."

The last phase is contrition, or making up. Abusers say they'll change, "but the violence escalates every time." Manipulation of guilt is one of the ways abusers get their partners to stay.

"Abusers are extremely good at telling women the violence is their fault and we often believe it," Migiel said. "I would always think if I just made dinner on time, or if I didn't have to give him errands to do from time to time, or if he wasn't under so much stress things would be different. If I could just change my behavior, he would be nicer." The truth was the only way to avoid his behavior was to leave the situation altogether. "It was more than a human could tolerate," she said.

According to Sarah Rubenstein Gillis, coordinator of domestic violence education at the Task Force for Battered Women, one of the major messages the agency emphasizes is that people who have been abused did not cause the abuse. "We want people to seek out the support they need." At the same time, the task force is working toward "a more coordinated community response to domestic violence," Gillis said.

Along with the myths about who domestic violence affects come myths about where it is prevalent. Tompkins County is not immune to the abuse disease. In 1996, four local women became fatal victims of domestic violence. Their eternal silence represents one of the nation's darkest problems.

In reality, there is no typical abused woman. "There is a tremendous stigma about who gets abused in this country," Migiel said. "But I don't look like a 'battered woman.' My fellow survivors and I are smart, dynamic, strong women. Unless other women like us speak out against domestic abuse, this stigma will not change."

Migiel's experience has not caused her to shy away from the movement. "My own experience with domestic violence has changed my life and work," she said. "But, most importantly, it has changed my role in the community." Since October 1997, Migiel has been a member of the task force's board of directors and has served as treasurer for its strategic planning committee since June.

Both Migiel and Gillis underscore the need to address the problem of domestic violence and child abuse from a variety of angles. "We're trying to create a multi-faceted approach by bringing together people from education, law enforcement, academia and health-care providers."

Currently, the task force provides a comprehensive array of programs including a shelter for victims of domestic violence, a 24-hour crisis line, legal and medical assistance and advocacy, emotional support, counseling for non-offending family members, education and the safety-planning program that allowed Migiel to break the pattern of abuse.

"I can't say that there is any one source a woman needs to go to for help," Migiel said, "but the task force is one of the best resources in town."

Empowerment is a primary philosophy for the task force. "Many women need someone to talk to because the abuse can make them feel alone and isolated," Gillis said. "During what we refer to as 'safety planning,' women figure out how they and their children can be safe."

One key point is that women make their own plans and use their own ideas when deciding which courses of action to take. "If we made these decisions for them," Gillis explained, "we would just take the place of the abuser."

The task force also addresses child sexual abuse, another type of violence in the home. According to FBI statistics, one in every three
women and one in every five men will be sexually abused before the age of 18.

Whether addressing domestic violence or sexual abuse, education seems to be an effective prevention strategy -- especially when it happens early in a person's life. Members of the task force visit elementary schools with a program called CAP (Child Assault Prevention).

"Through age-appropriate programming about kidnapping, bullying and sexual abuse, we teach children that they are strong and free," Gillis said.

The task force can offer a wide array of services locally because of support from United Way of Tompkins County. "This year's campaign slogan -- "Get Involved ... Be a Hero" -- really makes sense," Gillis said. "We really have felt that Cornell has been involved in many ways and we look forward to more opportunities."

Unlike many other funding sources, United Way provides funding for education and outreach.

"United Way is a strong supporter of our domestic-violence education program," Gillis said. "Education is such an essential part of what we're doing. We're trying to work toward prevention and we appreciate the value United Way places on raising awareness and understanding of domestic violence in Tompkins County."

If you or someone you know is currently involved in an abusive relationship, call the 24-hour Crisis Line at 277-5000. To receive more information about domestic violence in Tompkins County, contact the Tompkins County Task Force for Battered Women at 277-3203.